Reprinted with permission bye the former Triplets, Quads and Quints Association (TQQ)

What do we want for our children? Do we want our children to be happy, respectful, loving, cooperative, sensitive, tolerant, kind, honest, responsible, generous, adventuresome, able to turn problems into opportunities, courageous, curious, and generous? If so, how do we help our children become these things...through discipline or punishment?

Discipline and Punishment

Discipline is "setting limits for children and communicating expectations to them" (Dinkmeyer et al., 1989. p 105).
"Discipline is not something that parents impose- it is something that they instill in their children" (CAS, 1989).
Dinkmeyer et al., in Parenting Young Children says that effective discipline is teaching a learning process. The goal of discipline is self-discipline: to guide children to be responsible and cooperative."

In a reward/punishment system, when a child obeys we reward, when a child disobeys we punish. So what's wrong with that? Maybe we need to explore the effects of rewards and punishment. Rewards teach children to expect something for their good behaviour. It encourages obedience but not cooperation. Punishment teaches children to "resent" and "it guarantees a relationship based on fear" (Dinkmeyer et al., 1989. p 105.) and often invites rebellion.

Some of the ways we punish our children include threats, yelling, overreaction, putdowns, spanking, and withdrawal of privileges, which have no clear relationship to the misbehaviour. If we believe, as many prominent psychologists and child educators do, that children learn through modeling, what they see they do. What have we just encouraged our children to do and to be by punishing them?

Carolyn Heydebrand and Elizabeth Grunelius, Waldorf child-educators, agree that "when we want the child's cooperation, we do not appeal to logic, reason or high moral ideals. We act what we want the child to do." ( Cusick, 1992. p 41). Cusick says "(The Child) will become part of a world of order and consideration for others if such a world exists around him." As parents we have to create that world, a child will imitate our logical and orderly actions just as they will imitate our irrational and overpowering actions.

In order to practice discipline rather than punishment we need to learn to change our reaction to our children's behaviour. Unfortunately, most of our parents practiced punishment so we don't have models to teach us effective methods of discipline. Remember, changing your approach to your children's behaviour is not an immediate solution. Learning and following the methods of discipline may take education, practice and learning by our mistakes. Each family and each child is different. Alfred Adler, psychologist, believes that people, especially children, watch, absorb and then interpret others' actions according to their own temperament or personality. People may react differently to our expectations because they have interpreted the situation differently than we have. Therefore it is worthwhile for us to learn what works and what does not work for our children. What works best for you, may not for me, but don't be afraid to experiment, our children will give us many opportunities to practice and learn! Methods of Effective Discipline (Dinkmeyer et al. 1989)

The keys to effective discipline are to establish mutual respect and to expect cooperation; Distracting (works wonderfully with infants and toddlers instead of a slap on the hand); Ignoring misbehaviour when appropriate (only when its safe); Structuring the environment (child-proofing so they can explore and learn). For higher-order multiples families it is essential to have a safe place for our children to play, for both our sanity and to reduce the number of times each day we would have to say "NO". Controlling the situation, not the child. (If the children are too young to understand the dangers of going on the road, have them play in the backyard or park). Involving the child through choices (do you want a bath before or after dinner) and natural and/or logical consequences (you need to clean up these toys before we can go play outside).

Plan time for loving (*very important); Letting go (always a struggle for parents); Increasing your consistency (we all know this); Noticing positive behaviour (whatever we give our attention to increases); Excluding with time-out (to be used sparingly and not as punishment, but to help the child regain self-control. It works well for parents too!)

Dinkmeyer et al., reminds us that as parents we need to take time to teach our children the skills they need to enable them to cooperate. Positive teaching experiences allow children to learn new skills, develop self-confidence, and feel good about new experiences and responsibilities.

Lois Cusick ( p. 41. 1992) believes that "The parent who disciplines his (her) child prepares the way for successful self-discipline in the years to come."
Dr. Kevin Leman (p. 42. 1979) believes that "Love and discipline are not only compatible, but they are essential to a good parent/child relationship."

Is this not what it is all about, developing positive, enriching and respectful relationships with our children?

A Child's Ten Commandments to Parents
(Leman, 1979. pp. 139-140.)

1. My hands are small; please don't expect perfection whenever I make a bed, draw a picture, or throw a ball. My legs are short; please slow down so I can keep up with you.
2. My eyes have not seen the world as yours have, please let me explore safely: don't restrict me unnecessarily.
3. Housework will always be there. I'm only little for such a short time- please take time to explain things to me about this wonderful world, and do so willingly.
4. My feelings are tender; please be sensitive to my needs; don't nag me all day long. (You wouldn't want to be nagged for your inquisitiveness.) Treat me, as you would like to be treated.
5. I am a special gift from God; please treasure me as God intended you to do, holding me accountable for my actions, giving me guidelines to live by, and disciplining me in a loving manner.
6. I need your encouragement, but not your praise, to grow. Please go easy on the criticism; remember you can criticize the things I do without criticizing me.
7. Please give me the freedom to make decisions concerning myself. Permit me to fail, so that I can learn from my mistakes. Then someday I'll be prepared to make the kind of decisions life requires me to do.
8. Please don't do things over for me. Somehow that makes me feel that my efforts didn't quite measure up to your expectations. I know it's hard, but please don't try to compare me with my brother(s) or my sister(s).
9. Please don't be afraid to leave for a weekend together. Kids need vacations from parents, just as parents need vacations from kids. Besides it's a great way to show us kids that your marriage is very special. Cusick (p41), also thinks this is important "The parents of very young children need regular relief from the unrelenting pressures of child care, something we must never forget."
10. Please take me to Sunday school, (temple, synagogue,) and church regularly, setting a good example for me to follow. I enjoy learning more about God.

It is for our children that we strive to become responsible parents. This does not mean we need to be perfect parents or have perfect children, but we may develop some techniques to deal with imperfect situations more respectfully. Have the Courage to be Imperfect. There will be those days and there will also always be tomorrow!

All children need to be respected and treated respectfully. As parents of higher order multiples there may be a few things we encounter that other parents may not.

Things to think about as parents of multiples...

• Each child is an individual who has a particular temperament, way of behaving and a particular rate and style of development (Dinkmeyer et al., 1989 p 5.) even if they are born minutes apart.
• Take time out for yourself. Time away from our children enables us to rejuvenate our powers.
• Our children have role models other than us, they have each other. If Harrison bites Jessica and gets an interesting reaction, Kenny might bite her too to see what kind of reaction he will get. We will have to anticipate this modeling behaviour so we can deal with it respectfully.
• Three, four or more can get into a lot more mischief than one. If it is too quiet, go check them. If they are playing nicely, acknowledge their behaviour. If not, good thing you checked before they got too busy! A crash course in 'group dynamics' may be helpful.
• Spend time alone with each child. It is amazing what you and your child can learn about each other on a trip to the grocery store.
• Accept offers of help from family, friends and neighbours. "Yes, I could use your help on Tuesday. If you could bring a friend I could go for a much needed walk alone."
• Call another higher-order multiples family and talk about ways of coping.
• Enjoy your children. Most of us are not planning to have anymore children.
• Before we know it, our babies will be all grown up. It would be sad to miss what are probably the best years of our lives.

This brief review of literature is only a beginning. There are many interesting and helpful topics to explore in the following books and articles. Hopefully, this information will assist you to develop more in-depth strategies to becoming the type of parent you wish to be, and, in turn, will enable your children to be self-disciplined, respectful, and cooperative.

Topics in these books and articles include:

• Democratic Parenting
• Understanding Behaviour
• Understanding yourself as a Parent
• Building self-esteem in the Early Years
• Effective Discipline
• Helping Children to Learn to Cooperate
• Lifestyles
• Nurturing Emotional and Social Development
• Encouragement
• Natural and Logical Consequences
• Family Meeting
• Communication: Effective Listening

Cusick, Lois. Waldorf Parenting Handbook. California: St. George Publications. 1979.
Dewey, Edith A. Basic Applications of Adlerian Psychology for Self-Understanding and Human Relationships. Florida: CMTI Press. 1978.
Dinkmeyer, Don. Sr., Gary D. McKay, and James S Dinkmeyer. Parenting Young Children. Minnesota: American Guidance Services. 1989.
Dinkmeyer, Don., and Gary D. McKay. The Parent's Handbook. Minnesota: American Guidance Services. 1989.
Faber, Adele and Elaine Mazlish. How to Talk so Kids Will Listen and Listen so Kids Will Talk. Rawson Wade Publishers Inc. 1980.
Leman, Dr. Kevin. Parenthood without Hassles*. * well almost. Oregon: Harvest House Publishers.1979. (Diane's Observation: This book follows the overall Adlerian theory of democratic parenting, however, some of the examples of consequences seem to be extreme and not very respectful.)
McCarthy, Donna. To Spank or Not To Spank. Family Education Centre Newsletter. June 1995.
The Children's Aid Society of Ottawa-Carleton. Bulletin. Bank Street, Ottawa. Spring 1989.

Donna McCarthy has been a Parent Educator ( Parent Study Group Facilitator, Workshop Presenter, Facilitator Trainer) with the Family Education Centre since 1984. She is the parent of three teenagers and has been married for twenty years.

Diane Myers is the mother of six children, which includes a set of quadruplets. Diane has just completed her training to become a Parent Study Group Facilitator with The Family Education Centre.

The Family Education Centre is located in Brampton. They offer private or group parenting courses and courses through the Peel and Halton Boards of Education.