by Louise Redgers Bonnycastle

When I was a new parent, I thought that since I had taken some child psychology courses while at University that parenting courses were for other people. Then reality set in, or rather, my eldest turned 6 and started to both withdraw into himself and to lash out and talk back in a way that spelled trouble. I read books. I tried to talk to him about what appeared to be a very deep anger and I talked to other parents. The usual comment was don't worry about it, it's just his independence coming out and it is a phase that will pass.

Well, it didn't go away and it was starting to spread to the 3 year old quadruplets and getting more and more out of hand. My relationship with him was suffering big time and I felt that I had to be able to maintain some kind of control as a parent.

Suddenly, as if on queue, the former Triplets, Quads & Quints Association (TQQ) offered a course, "How to Talk so Kids Will Listen & How to Listen so Kids Will Talk". I was hoping to find some answers or at least to find that I was not so alone. I read the book by the same title and then read the first chapter again waiting for the first class. Our own Diane Myers was instructing or rather leading the discussion and the first session told me that I was certainly in the right place. Since all of the parents had multiples that copied and had their own behaviour patterns this made it all the more valuable. One three year old having a temper tantrum or test of wills is certainly not the same as having two or more learning directly from that lesson. With multiples there is more danger involved in some issues and in some cases we need to have better control because we don't have the right number of hands to control certain safety issues. The parking lot is one of my great fears and the place that I feel I must have control at any price. I don't have enough hands to hold onto each one of them so I must have their attention. I learned from this course that in the case of safety issues it is okay to be a bit of a tyrant because this is life and death. I have learned to pick my battles. If it is not urgent, we try to negotiate solutions that fit our family with input from both the kids and myself and usually compromising on one of the suggestions made.

The importance of encouragement was another big issue. While there is a possibility of too much of a good thing, most of us err on the side of too little.

The key issue for me was to learn how to really listen and read between the lines while at the same time not telling them how they feel. We have been working on teaching them words to allow them to do their own talking and express their own feeling both to me and to each other. I am still learning not to judge, sometimes I think that they are wrong but I bite my tongue and let them come to their own resolutions. If it works for them, I should be happy with it as long as they are satisfied.

I also learned that there are more creative ways to say NO. Just think about it for a minute. We often offer toddlers distractions to change their minds or avoid saying no but as our children get larger we find it easier to just yell out that one word response rather than looking for more creative responses. I am becoming a master at delayed gratification and higher level distraction.

I had hoped that after a few sessions that my eldest and I would be back on track. Parenting courses do not always offer immediate success. It took me a while to modify my parenting style and in fact it is now in a constant evolution. Things changed very quickly with the quadruplets since they were younger and not as sophisticated. While I was able to get the eldest to open up more, it took a lot more time for us to get back on track.

My parents had been the tyrant types that were common in their day and I did not want to be one of those.

Finally, about six months after the course I can honestly say that things have improved around our house a whole lot. Every once in a while, especially after a long day, I hear my self-roaring like a lion which just goes in one ear and out the other for the children. I catch myself and then we attempt another approach. Some times this works and some times it fails too, but, now I have a few more tricks in my bag that I didn't have a year ago.